The World According to Blondy

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My Son is a Moron

I have a pre-teen son. He is in seven grade and he has turned into a moron. Now I’ve been preparing myself for this time in my life but now that it is here I find it hard to believe how completely moronic he truly is. I mean seriously.

Seven weeks into school I find out he has band practice after school one day a week. Seven weeks into school and he has not once attended! And I only found out after emailing his teacher about an unrelated matter and she asks me if he planned on ever showing up!

I ask him about it: “Well, she said something about practice but I didn’t know what she was talking about.”

Moron.

So I tell him that next Monday he is to go to after school band practice. He says ok.

 

He comes home.

 

GGGGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!! What part of my statement was not 100% clear??????

So the NEXT Monday I explain to him in graphic detail that even if his eyeballs are bleeding he is to go to after school band practice.

 

That worked. Whew! Ok, making progress here.

 

Today I remind him to remember to stay after school for band practice.

 

He comes home! WTF??????!!!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding me? Did we not just learn this lesson?

 

So tomorrow is a special session. I, ONCE AGAIN, informed him that even if his eyeballs are bleeding he is to stay for special band rehearsal. And for punishment for missing today’s band practice I have volunteered my husband and myself to chaperone his school bus ride to and from the parade.

I then went on to inform him that if we have any further issues remembering to attend band practice that I am going to ride that bus wearing a clown costume and embarrass the crap out of him.

I can only imagine the issues to come over the next ten years. I foresee a lot of alcohol or one of us isn’t going to survive.

October 24, 2011 Posted by | Family | Leave a comment

Prepping for the Race

So my neighbor tells me last October that I have to learn how to run. She wants me to do this Diva Half Marathon with her. I’ve never run in my life, unless someone was chasing me. But I decided in honor of my 40th year of life I’d do this for her  (and for me). What are friends for, right? We started running slowly – like a mile then a mile and a half at a time. We’ve survived injuries, cold weather, burning hot weather, two 5ks and now we are into full blown training mode.

This weekend I am going to run my first seven miles. I ask you: what in the hell am I thinking? OMG. I’ve done two 5ks, but this is twice the length of a 5k and half the length of the 1/2 marathon. I’ll post more training blogs as my journey continues.

This is just the beginning…

August 9, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Cage Fitness Is Evil

In my advanced karate class last week my instructor decides to set up 20 stations. We are on each station for two minutes and off for 30 seconds. Each station is somethig like jump rope, push ups, tossing a medical ball, punching, sit ups, etc. You get the point. So for an hour we move between the stations.  Now I was sore from that, but Cage Fitness is even worse!

My instructor decides to unleash a new form of torture on me. He selects me to be his “test dummy” for Cage Fitness, a new program that will be offered by the gym. If you haven’t seen Cage Fitness videos you must check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEc_4vf_3Ho&feature=related. It was designed by an evil man named, Matt Hughes.

Cage Fitness is Evil. I cannot stress that ENOUGH! I’ve been taking martial arts for almost three years and when I tell you it is evil, it is evil. Five minute rounds, with a minute to rest in between. Each round has an exercise that lasts 45 seconds.

Round 1: step kick the bag 45 seconds, jump over the bag 45 seconds, knee the bag 45 seconds lift the bag with your arms 45 seconds, lift the bag keeping arms straight and lifting with legs 45 seconds. Oh right. Did I mention that the bag weighs between 60 and 70 pounds.

Rest one minute

Round 2: knee on bag — punch punch opposite knee on bag — punch punch 45 seconds, lift up the bag and hug it while squatting 45 seconds, more squatting exercises, leg lifts, something follows, but this is where it starts to get hazy. Remember, I am ONLY on round 2!

Rest one minute (at this point on my back on the floor…)

Round 3: People yelling at me to breathe, violent urge to throw up, exericses were involved but not entirely sure what they were. Praying to god to kill me at this point.

Rest one miniute (again, lying on the floor in a pool of my own sweat…)

Round 4: Vaguely aware that skin on my knuckles is now starting to come off, cannot hold bag anymore because I am sweating too bad, Oh good! crunches while holding the bag with my leg and punching at the same time. You want me to do WHAT???? Vaguely aware I told instructor I hate him and that everyone around me can F off. 

Rest one minute. Let’s face it, at this point I am just trying to stay conscious.

Round 5: The home stretch. I can do this. It’s almost over. More punching, more kicking, and at this point I am screaming so loud the entire gym can hear me and I don’t care.

At last it ends. I made it. I survived. My face is bright red, my hair is hanging all over my face.  I look like a crazed psychopath. Whoa.

So, I finally found one thing that I hate worse than sparring. As you can tell Cage Fitness is evil. But the worst part about it is my freaking friend says we are going back on Monday.

FML! Two may be going, but only one might return…

October 28, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

No thank you. I Do Not Require a Mini Bar…

My hubby and I recently went to Vegas for a conference. We left the airport, grabbed a cab, and then asked the cab driver to stop at the closest beer store. It’s much cheaper to have your own supplies than to pay at the bars. Yes, I understand that if you gamble the drinks are free, but the waitresses only come around about once an hour! Anyway, we stocked up for the week and then went to check into the hotel. We stayed at the Paris hotel. It was a lovely hotel and we were quite pleased with the accomodations. Believe it or not, the only thing that was frustrating was the mini bar in our room.

Unbeknownst to us, the only fridge in the room was the mini bar. I’ve traveled a bit and typically the min bar service comes in daily and does a tally of the objects in the fridge. If today’s tally does not match yesterday’s tally you’ve obviously consumed something in the fridge. This mini bar was different. You see,  we needed a place to store the beer we purchased so we opened the mini bar and cleared out the first shelf for our stuff. We moved all of the liquor bottles to the bottom shelf.

No big deal, right?

WRONG! Not 5 minutes later the front desk alerts us to a $400 charge on our room bill. Wondering how we consumed so much alcohol in a matter of mintues they decided to check in with us. This mini bar was sensor activated! So when a bottle was moved (consumed or not) it was counted as having been consumed. Since we moved EVERYTHING in the fridge we were charged for the entire contents of the fridge!

Holy crap!

So the hotel sent up some help right away. We managed to restore order to the mini bar but still had no place to store our beer. The hotel usually charges $25 per day to rent a fridge, but because of the midhap we had earlier with the mini bar, they decided to comp us on use of the fridge. A quick 30 minutes later we had a somewhat beaten, though working fridge for which to place the puchased beers.

The worst part was that this was a company trip so the $400 charge showed up on the bill. Granted, they removed the charge at the end, but what is normally a one page hotel receipt ended up being an 8 page hotel receipt, that I had to include with my expense report. I was so embarrassed.

And after all of that I really didn’t need a mini bar…

April 15, 2010 Posted by | Work | , | 1 Comment

Snowpocolipse!

“Snow” we got snow the weekend before Christmas. I missed it, as I was in the Big Apple that weekend. At that point it was 22″. A month and 1/2 passes. We are on the verge of Valentine’s Day. And then it hits — the blizzard of 2010. I avoid this one (initially) as my family and I took a winter break to Orlando for a family event and to visit some theme parks. Another 30″ dumped on the ground.

We were scheduled to fly out on Monday. Now the crews hadn’t finished digging out from the weekend blast. We were lucky to fly home Monday (10 hrs to travel from Florida to DC area with two kids). On Tuesday morning it hit AGAIN!. Overnight we’ve seen another foot of snow and it is still snowing! Now the winds are picking up and the windchill factor is -2! “Snow” much fun!

This is insane. But see for yourself:

February 10, 2010 Posted by | Family | | Leave a comment

I Know All About Mexico, Mom!

My BFF is taking the wedding vows in Cancun, Mexico this June.  I actually went online and got ordained so that I could marry them. I figured all the other girls would be dreaming of a bridesmaid slot; Screw that. I didn’t want to wear  some foofoo dress and walk in a long line down the aisle.  I wanted the BIG job.  Why not? I’m a ToastMaster.  I an  accomplished public speaker.  And who knows the bride better than me?

Anyway, my husband and I made the decision to engage in a week-long vacation and take the kids with us.  This would be our big vacation of the year.  I’m pretty psyched because the BFFs stepdaughter and nieces/nephews are all going.  My college roomie is also going.  It’s an all-inclusive resort and they have a kids club (a.k.a. “babysitter”) that will parallel any cruise ship.  It’s going to be a party to which all other parties will have to measure.  In the least,  it should be a blast.  Muy Caliente!

I decide to tell the kids about the trip.  I’m excited, why not get them excited, right?  They’ve never been out of the country, after all.  I’m attempting to explain Mexico to my six year old daughter.  I tell her it’s the country from where Dora the Explorer came (let’s put it in her perspective, after all).  I tell her about maracas (she loves them). I mention that they speak Spanish and she should brush up on her Spanish words.  She’s only six, but I think she gets it.  I am making progress!

Then she turns to me and says (in her snottiest voice, I might add)

“Mom, I KNOW all about Mexico.  It’s where they kidnapped the dog in Beverly Hills Chihuahua!”

Aye carumba.  My BFF just lost her lunch (she IS Mexican).

This is going to be an interesting trip to say the least.  Should I tell her about NOT drinking the water? Crap. What have I gotten myself in to?

Cheers.

Reverend Blondy

January 16, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

End of an Era

I’ve been with my present company for eight long years. This has been the longest “stay” in one place for me. The company has changed quite a bit over the last few years. I’ve managed to evolve as the company has evolved, but lately the changes have been too much for me to bear. In a two week period of time I lost my bonus, my ability to telecommute, my casual dress code, etc. I can no longer accept the “at least you have a job in this economy” speech.

I’m very saddened, as I really do enjoy the people in the organization. And I really wanted that Coach purse one could get at the ten year mark (oops, did I say that outloud?). I’ve had some very rewarding experiences in this role. However, time marches on and it’s time I moved with it. I hope my colleagues understand how much they will be missed. My last day will be one of the hardest days I’ve had to endure for a long time.

To my future colleagues, I welcome the challenges my new role will present. I think this is a great move for me and you seem like a wonderful group. I cannot wait to work with you. Thank you again for the opportunity.

Five days and counting before the End of an Era (for me, at least).

September 13, 2009 Posted by | Work | Leave a comment

Flowers Are Nice But Home Improvements Are Better

My husband and I participate in a massive yard sale on the 4th of July. We spend days preparing and then hours actually selling. This year was just insane. People showed up the day before, as we were setting up.

Anyway, the day of the yard sale my neighbor brings over some homemade french fries. My husband sees the fries and inquires about them. She tells him which neighbor has the food permit and is selling the fries. He grabs his buddy and they head out in search of the fries.

He returns about 20 minutes later with the biggest smile plastered all over his face.

“Honey, I found you to perfect birthday gift,” he says.

With a raised eyebrow and my arms crossed in a defensive stance, I reply. “You bought me a birthday gift at a yard sale?”

He didn’t falter. “Yep. You’ve wanted these for YEARS!” He was so giddy. I was puzzled and I little upset. He made me retreat to the garage so he could bring them in to make sure “they worked.”  What the hell does that mean? They have “to work.” I had no faith in this little experiment.

Then he discloses the fact that he paid only $15.00 for them! What the hell could he purchase for my birthday, that I wanted for years, at a yard sale, for only $15.00? I was getting irritated.

True to form he couldn’t keep a secret for long. He had to show them to me. I was actually impressed. I couldn’t believe he found them and that they would fit! I was speechless. He was right. I had wanted them for years. This was the best yard sale EVER!

 

 

What he found were french doors for the office. We have regular doors in there now and they do not let in much light. I’ve wanted french doors in the office since we bought the house 5 years ago. And he only paid $15.00 for them! OMG. I can’t believe that. I still have to switch out the hardware to be brushed nickel, but they are hung and look great.

He does get me! After 15 years of marriage he finally understands that flowers are nice, but home improvements are better.

 

 

 

 

 

My New Yard Sale French Doors

My New Yard Sale French Doors

July 10, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

That’s How the Cookie Crumbles

I worked from home on Wednesday and around 9 am I received a call from someone asking for Missy. I said, “Missy does not live here.” Not two minutes later the phone rings again. The same lady once more asks for Missy. I said (rather rudely), “I told you this is not Missy’s number. Stop calling here.” She tells me that this number has been programmed into her cell for years and that she knows it is Missy’s number.

Irritated as hell I ask her for the number she dialed. It was not my number. I told her I thought the lines must have been crossed somehow and asked if she had another number for Missy. I called my cell from my home phone and the number that showed up was foreign. I realized that my home number was no longer my own. Well, great! Now where are my calls landing?

I called the phone company and was informed that it would be fixed 8 days later! WTF? I just upset, but not nearly as upset as I was about to get. Just then I got a collect call from the prison from a boy named Lawrence. I obviously refused it. Then another collect call request came from the prison from a boy named Pee Wee. OMG. I was starting to lose it.

Missy called me personally — she had my phone number! ugh! I told her about the prison calls and she informed me that both her son and nephew are in prison. I find out that Missy actually lives in my neighborhood and her son was the one responsible for all the neighborhood breakins 6 months ago! OMFG! I live in a nice neighborhood in a good part of town and I am less than thrilled to have had verbal contact with this family of thugs.

The drama continued. Calls came in from Kiki and Shaniqua asking for Christy and Cookie (Missy’s nickname). All in all I received 73 calls that day, 8 of which were prison calls. Can you see my irritation now? So I did what every techy would do. I blasted the phone company on facebook and twitter, then I found the technical support site of the phone company and emailed them every ten minutes.

When those techniques failed to work I solicited my facebook friends to find someone who worked for that company. Low and behold IT WORKED! My lovely friend MV was able to get someone dispatched in just two days. Now, we still had to disconnect the phone for two days so the kids didn’t accidentally accept a call from jail, but it was finally fixed.

May 31, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I Chaperoned My Son’s Field Trip – What Part of This Was a Good Idea?

So the flyer comes home, announcing the 4th grade field trip to Annapolis. The trip is so popular that they will draw names out of a hat to see who gets to chaperone. Seven adults accompany each class. I thought “what the heck” and put my name into the hat. To my surprise (or demise) my name was selected.

I was going to be prepared. Two hours on a school bus was going to be a long trip. I charged the ipod, my cell, my blackberry, my son’s MP3 player, etc. I downloaded a new audio book and a movie. I packed some snacks for the bus ride and took a regular book, just in case. Then the note arrived.

The note stated that the following items would NOT be permitted on the trip: ipods, CD players, video players, MP3 devices, cell phone, and snacks. WTF? Are you freaking kidding me? How in the hell am I expected to entertain 4th graders without technology? OMG. I shifted gears and packed books, magazines, etc.

God decided that on this day it would rain. Scratch that: POUR. I forgot to mention that umbrellas were on the NO list. After two hours of driving in the rain, sitting on the back of the bumpy bus (ready to hurl), and really having to pee, we arrived in Annapolis. We were supposed to have a 15 minute bathroom break, but we were late arriving for our guided tour.

We met our tour guide and began the tour, but the tortured looks on our faces, and the sea of children performing the “pee pee” dance, forced her to walk us into the Capital and allow us to relieve ourselves. The entire fourth grade (roughly 100+ kids), 4 teachers, 28 chaperones. Four female stalls, four male in each bathroom. You do the math. Our guide was less than thrilled with the delay.

We were finally ready and so we toured the Capital inside and out (“out” meant in the rain with no umbrellas). We toured the neighborhoods and the exterior of historic homes of the wealthy (in the rain). We toured the Naval Academy grounds and chapel (in the rain). And since our tour ran late (because we started late) we were unable to shop for souvenirs, which led to a unison of groans from the kids. We were also forced to wolf down our lunch in less than 20 minutes.

After yet another bathroom break we walked up to the water and boarded a boat. Keep in mind we are nice and squishy from the rain and we boarded a boat with open areas. Needless to say those who ventured into the open areas froze.

My son was cold and wanted hot chocolate from the snack bar on the boat. I went up to get some but they didn’t take credit cards. Who in the hell is going to carry cash while supervising a group of children? Can I say target for thieves? I couldn’t believe it.

Finally after the extremely boring boat tour and dance session on the deck of the boat, we arrived back to shore. At this point we had exactly 25 minutes to shop for souvenirs until the buses arrived. I took the two kids I was responsible for and we went in search of souvenirs. The ice cream parlor sidetracked them. I went in to order ice cream and was informed that they don’t take credit cards either! Are you kidding me? What the hell is the deal with Annapolis and not taking credit cards?

Fortunately, I remembered seeing a teller machine where we had eaten lunch. The kids and I ran over there, I extracted money, we ran back and bought the ice cream. (whew) Next door was a souvenir store, we bought some shocking gum (you pull a piece and it sends you a jolt), then we headed back to the buses.

Unfortunately, every other student had found the same souvenir store and purchased the same shock gum. So now 100 kids are running around trying to shock each other. The teachers were not so fond of this and they started confiscating the gum. I took my son’s gum and hid it in my purse so they teacher’s wouldn’t get it (I am SUCH a good role model). The buses came and we headed home.

Either my ass was tired from walking and being wet all day or the ride home was bumpier than the ride down. Whatever it was I felt beaten! Since most of the riders were finding it hard to stay awake I decided to pull out my ipod (ok, so I can’t follow directions either — REALLY good role model) and listen to my book.

The boy sitting behind calls the teacher back to tell her I had an ipod! He freaking ratted me out to the teacher? OMG. That is so uncool! What a jerk. I even let the little bastard play brickbreaker the whole way down (ok, so blackberries weren’t technically on the NO list so I thought I could get away with that one). He ratted me out! Can’t trust anyone, no matter how much you bribe them. What’s this world coming to?

So anyway, I have it all figured out for the next trip. I take along miniatures of alcohol in my purse. Vodka is good; it doesn’t smell. I chug a couple before I board the bus; that way I have a nice buzz before dealing with the brats (kids). You have to do the miniatures as shots; no mixing or you will have to pee really bad on the drive down.

Two more shots at the first bathroom break. That will get you through the tour in the rain. The next two shots will be at the bathroom break at lunch, which will also prepare you for the boat ride. Then two more shots right before the ride home so you sleep soundly.

I wouldn’t have minded the rain, the kids, the boring tour, or the boat with this formula. And I can’t believe my husband and I FOUGHT over which of us went on this trip. What the hell was I thinking? ugh. All I know is that HE gets the week at outdoor school — NOT ME. :-)

 

The Dance Party on the Boat Ride

The Dance Party on the Boat Ride

May 7, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

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