Flowers Are Nice But Home Improvements Are Better

My husband and I participate in a massive yard sale on the 4th of July. We spend days preparing and then hours actually selling. This year was just insane. People showed up the day before, as we were setting up.

Anyway, the day of the yard sale my neighbor brings over some homemade french fries. My husband sees the fries and inquires about them. She tells him which neighbor has the food permit and is selling the fries. He grabs his buddy and they head out in search of the fries.

He returns about 20 minutes later with the biggest smile plastered all over his face.

“Honey, I found you to perfect birthday gift,” he says.

With a raised eyebrow and my arms crossed in a defensive stance, I reply. “You bought me a birthday gift at a yard sale?”

He didn’t falter. “Yep. You’ve wanted these for YEARS!” He was so giddy. I was puzzled and I little upset. He made me retreat to the garage so he could bring them in to make sure “they worked.”  What the hell does that mean? They have “to work.” I had no faith in this little experiment.

Then he discloses the fact that he paid only $15.00 for them! What the hell could he purchase for my birthday, that I wanted for years, at a yard sale, for only $15.00? I was getting irritated.

True to form he couldn’t keep a secret for long. He had to show them to me. I was actually impressed. I couldn’t believe he found them and that they would fit! I was speechless. He was right. I had wanted them for years. This was the best yard sale EVER!

 

 

What he found were french doors for the office. We have regular doors in there now and they do not let in much light. I’ve wanted french doors in the office since we bought the house 5 years ago. And he only paid $15.00 for them! OMG. I can’t believe that. I still have to switch out the hardware to be brushed nickel, but they are hung and look great.

He does get me! After 15 years of marriage he finally understands that flowers are nice, but home improvements are better.

 

 

 

 

 

My New Yard Sale French Doors

That’s How the Cookie Crumbles

I worked from home on Wednesday and around 9 am I received a call from someone asking for Missy. I said, “Missy does not live here.” Not two minutes later the phone rings again. The same lady once more asks for Missy. I said (rather rudely), “I told you this is not Missy’s number. Stop calling here.” She tells me that this number has been programmed into her cell for years and that she knows it is Missy’s number.

Irritated as hell I ask her for the number she dialed. It was not my number. I told her I thought the lines must have been crossed somehow and asked if she had another number for Missy. I called my cell from my home phone and the number that showed up was foreign. I realized that my home number was no longer my own. Well, great! Now where are my calls landing?

I called the phone company and was informed that it would be fixed 8 days later! WTF? I just upset, but not nearly as upset as I was about to get. Just then I got a collect call from the prison from a boy named Lawrence. I obviously refused it. Then another collect call request came from the prison from a boy named Pee Wee. OMG. I was starting to lose it.

Missy called me personally — she had my phone number! ugh! I told her about the prison calls and she informed me that both her son and nephew are in prison. I find out that Missy actually lives in my neighborhood and her son was the one responsible for all the neighborhood breakins 6 months ago! OMFG! I live in a nice neighborhood in a good part of town and I am less than thrilled to have had verbal contact with this family of thugs.

The drama continued. Calls came in from Kiki and Shaniqua asking for Christy and Cookie (Missy’s nickname). All in all I received 73 calls that day, 8 of which were prison calls. Can you see my irritation now? So I did what every techy would do. I blasted the phone company on facebook and twitter, then I found the technical support site of the phone company and emailed them every ten minutes.

When those techniques failed to work I solicited my facebook friends to find someone who worked for that company. Low and behold IT WORKED! My lovely friend MV was able to get someone dispatched in just two days. Now, we still had to disconnect the phone for two days so the kids didn’t accidentally accept a call from jail, but it was finally fixed.

I Chaperoned My Son’s Field Trip – What Part of This Was a Good Idea?

So the flyer comes home, announcing the 4th grade field trip to Annapolis. The trip is so popular that they will draw names out of a hat to see who gets to chaperone. Seven adults accompany each class. I thought “what the heck” and put my name into the hat. To my surprise (or demise) my name was selected.

I was going to be prepared. Two hours on a school bus was going to be a long trip. I charged the ipod, my cell, my blackberry, my son’s MP3 player, etc. I downloaded a new audio book and a movie. I packed some snacks for the bus ride and took a regular book, just in case. Then the note arrived.

The note stated that the following items would NOT be permitted on the trip: ipods, CD players, video players, MP3 devices, cell phone, and snacks. WTF? Are you freaking kidding me? How in the hell am I expected to entertain 4th graders without technology? OMG. I shifted gears and packed books, magazines, etc.

God decided that on this day it would rain. Scratch that: POUR. I forgot to mention that umbrellas were on the NO list. After two hours of driving in the rain, sitting on the back of the bumpy bus (ready to hurl), and really having to pee, we arrived in Annapolis. We were supposed to have a 15 minute bathroom break, but we were late arriving for our guided tour.

We met our tour guide and began the tour, but the tortured looks on our faces, and the sea of children performing the “pee pee” dance, forced her to walk us into the Capital and allow us to relieve ourselves. The entire fourth grade (roughly 100+ kids), 4 teachers, 28 chaperones. Four female stalls, four male in each bathroom. You do the math. Our guide was less than thrilled with the delay.

We were finally ready and so we toured the Capital inside and out (”out” meant in the rain with no umbrellas). We toured the neighborhoods and the exterior of historic homes of the wealthy (in the rain). We toured the Naval Academy grounds and chapel (in the rain). And since our tour ran late (because we started late) we were unable to shop for souvenirs, which led to a unison of groans from the kids. We were also forced to wolf down our lunch in less than 20 minutes.

After yet another bathroom break we walked up to the water and boarded a boat. Keep in mind we are nice and squishy from the rain and we boarded a boat with open areas. Needless to say those who ventured into the open areas froze.

My son was cold and wanted hot chocolate from the snack bar on the boat. I went up to get some but they didn’t take credit cards. Who in the hell is going to carry cash while supervising a group of children? Can I say target for thieves? I couldn’t believe it.

Finally after the extremely boring boat tour and dance session on the deck of the boat, we arrived back to shore. At this point we had exactly 25 minutes to shop for souvenirs until the buses arrived. I took the two kids I was responsible for and we went in search of souvenirs. The ice cream parlor sidetracked them. I went in to order ice cream and was informed that they don’t take credit cards either! Are you kidding me? What the hell is the deal with Annapolis and not taking credit cards?

Fortunately, I remembered seeing a teller machine where we had eaten lunch. The kids and I ran over there, I extracted money, we ran back and bought the ice cream. (whew) Next door was a souvenir store, we bought some shocking gum (you pull a piece and it sends you a jolt), then we headed back to the buses.

Unfortunately, every other student had found the same souvenir store and purchased the same shock gum. So now 100 kids are running around trying to shock each other. The teachers were not so fond of this and they started confiscating the gum. I took my son’s gum and hid it in my purse so they teacher’s wouldn’t get it (I am SUCH a good role model). The buses came and we headed home.

Either my ass was tired from walking and being wet all day or the ride home was bumpier than the ride down. Whatever it was I felt beaten! Since most of the riders were finding it hard to stay awake I decided to pull out my ipod (ok, so I can’t follow directions either — REALLY good role model) and listen to my book.

The boy sitting behind calls the teacher back to tell her I had an ipod! He freaking ratted me out to the teacher? OMG. That is so uncool! What a jerk. I even let the little bastard play brickbreaker the whole way down (ok, so blackberries weren’t technically on the NO list so I thought I could get away with that one). He ratted me out! Can’t trust anyone, no matter how much you bribe them. What’s this world coming to?

So anyway, I have it all figured out for the next trip. I take along miniatures of alcohol in my purse. Vodka is good; it doesn’t smell. I chug a couple before I board the bus; that way I have a nice buzz before dealing with the brats (kids). You have to do the miniatures as shots; no mixing or you will have to pee really bad on the drive down.

Two more shots at the first bathroom break. That will get you through the tour in the rain. The next two shots will be at the bathroom break at lunch, which will also prepare you for the boat ride. Then two more shots right before the ride home so you sleep soundly.

I wouldn’t have minded the rain, the kids, the boring tour, or the boat with this formula. And I can’t believe my husband and I FOUGHT over which of us went on this trip. What the hell was I thinking? ugh. All I know is that HE gets the week at outdoor school — NOT ME.

 

The Dance Party on the Boat Ride

Pet Peeve #2 – Too Much Tipping

I recently went to Las Vegas for a convention. It was my first time in Vegas and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. However one thing really started to bug me after a while – tipping. Now, I make a good living and spare no expense for many aspects of my life. But the amount of tipping you are supposed to do out there was outrageous!

I don’t mind tipping the cab driver, especially if he let you in to local favorite hot spots, etc. I always tip wait staff and bartenders, as their hourly wage tends to be less. What annoyed me, was absurd tipping. For example, having to pay to sit down in a club. If you didn’t pay for a seat you didn’t sit. Period. I’d like to see the bouncers walk around all night in heels. They’d probably have a different take on the situation.

Every bathroom had an attendant. Now honestly, am I incapable of reaching over and getting myself a towel? I don’t think so. And I am expected to leave tip because someone handed me a towel?  If they were to wipe my ass, then maybe I’ll tip, but not for handing me a towel.

And when you imagine Vegas you think of showgirls, right? You had to tip them to get a photo with them! I went to a club and met a designer who didn’t charge me for a photo! Why do I need to pay a showgirl just because she was wearing a peacock costume?

You had to tip the guy hailing the taxi cab, in addition to the driver. You had to pay off the bouncers at the club to get in and not be a part of their ”holding the line” scheme. It just got old.

Again, in moderation tipping is fine. But a week in Vegas was probably too long because it became annoying in the end.

Cemetaries, as Explained By My Five Year Old Daughter…

In driving past a cemetary my daughter asked me what it was.

I said “it’s a cemetary.”

She replies “oh I know what a cemetary is!”

Curious with this response I prodded her for more details. She told me that when people turn into zombies the regular people dig holes in the ground so the zombies have a place to live. The regular people fill the holes with dirt to keep the zombies warm and then put the big stones on top so the zombies cannot get out.

Do you think I’ve showed her the Michael Jackson “Thriller” video one too many times?

My Pet Peeves (v1)

One thing that drives me insane is bad bathroom etiquette. Why, when there are 10 empty stalls in a bathroom, does someone have to come in and grab the stall RIGHT BESIDE ME?

Don’t even get me started with peeing on the seat, not washing your hands, and leaving before ensuring all deposits have been properly flushed! ugh!

Hello, Aren’t There Any Good Looking Male Physical Therapists Out There?

It’s Christmas Eve. One would hope to have the ground lightly covered in a soft, fluffy, powdery snow to get into the mood. Nope. Not this year. We get rain. And not only do we get rain, but we get freezing temperatures. I woke up in a frantic because I forgot to put a bill in the mailbox. I throw on a jacket, don’t even bother with the shoes and head out the front door. It’s only rain, after all! I’m not made of sugar.

I’m not made of all weather tires either. My foot hit the (what I thought was wet) pavement. I was wrong. It was solid ice. I no sooner touched down then I went flying. I couldn’t land on my padded ass, it had to be my back. So after 2 weeks of dealing with it I finally go to the doctor. She sends me to physical therapy (though I prefer to call it rehab — I get more looks that way). So here I am, twice a week, FOR A WHOLE MONTH, I am going to rehab.

Not that my therapist isn’t good, but look at it this way. I’m already in pain. I’m already stiff and grouchy. I don’t want to work harder. What incentive do I really have? Yeah, yeah, a better back; I get it. But what’s wrong with some eye candy? If I have to be there doing all of this hard work, why can’t some muscular man be working out the knots? Not a part-time soccer mom for crying out loud. The eye candy can even be gay as far as I am concerned. Just give me some motivation to want to go there, ok?

Thank god for the pain pills and muscle relaxers. At least I have something good out of this whole ordeal.

GM Diet – Day 7

Thank god! The end is here. All of the flu-like symptoms have passed. The hunger pain has subsided. All I could eat today is brown rice, veggies, and fruit juices. The food is still bland but at least I was able to eat a complex carbohydrate! I’ll tell you one thing, after putting myself through this hell I am not going to go out and put it back on! Starting tomorrow it is portion control and plenty of exercise (at least as much as my battered back will allow).

I cant’ say I’d recommend this diet for the faint at heart. You must be seriously desperate to go through this hell. I didn’t loose any weight today, but my total for the week is 11.5 pounds. I feel better and look better, but was it worth it? I’m not sure. I wish I would’ve known that I wouldn’t loose any pounds these last two days. I would’ve stopped at day five, had I known.

I plan on continuing my quest to lose the inches, but I am going back on Weight Watchers so I can eat real food. I now have a buddy at work that will do Weight Watchers with me so it should be easier. You do not lose as much as quickly as the GM Diet, but it is much easier to stick to the plan.  Weight Watchers will also allow me to bank points so I can insert glasses of wine back into my life.

If it weren’t for the blog I probably wouldn’t have made it through the week. Thanks for helping.

GM Diet – Day 6

Today started with a visit to the doctor. Apparently this diet is not the sole source of my aches and pains. What I came to find out is that on Christmas Eve, when I slipped on the black ice, I allegedly pulled every muscle in my back (and pulled them REALLY good). It apparently takes some time for pulled muscle symptoms to present so my discomfort is not entirely from starvation. Thank god.

Today should go by quickly now. It’s lean beef and vegetables day. I am going to polish off the rest of the cabbage soup. I’ll probably do a salad with the beef, go to back rehab, and then I plan to rest for the remainder of the day with my pain killers and muscle relaxers. Hey, if I can’t drink alcohol on this diet, prescription meds are the next best thing! Ha ha.

I am not hungry at all this morning, which is a nice change. In fact, I needed to remind myself to eat the food. The diet says I should notice a huge change in the way my body looks today. I don’t know that I saw a huge change but I definately feel better (and I am writing this BEFORE I took the pain killers so those are not the reason I feel better).

The cravings have ceased and the only sign of a headache is from the pain in my back. I did not loose any weight on this day, but I did finally sleep well.

GM Diet – Day 5

Today’s menu consists of lean hamburger meat and tomatoes. I was actually looking forward to today until I tasted the tomatoes. You see, in the mid-Atlantic during winter, tomatoes are not exactly fresh. It’s not been as noticable until now because they’ve been buried in either soup or salad. But today I have to eat six winter tomatoes. I am having a hard time with this. I’m in the office and cannot do much about it here, but it is so bad that I am thinking of pureeing them when I get home and drinking them down just to say I’ve eaten them.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that hamburgers are only as good as the condiments that go on them. I cannot have salt, oil or sugar so I cannot have mustard, ketchup, mayo — even pickles are out. I am eating my lonely hamburger with a few natural herbs tossed into it. No bun. No glory at all. This sucks.

Not mention I have to increase my water intake from 10 glasses to at least 12 so that I can get rid of the extra acid the tomatoes are putting into me. I feel like hell. I am lightheaded today, cranky and just want this horrible diet to end. Two more days to go. Pounds lost today = 2.5!