That’s How the Cookie Crumbles

I worked from home on Wednesday and around 9 am I received a call from someone asking for Missy. I said, “Missy does not live here.” Not two minutes later the phone rings again. The same lady once more asks for Missy. I said (rather rudely), “I told you this is not Missy’s number. Stop calling here.” She tells me that this number has been programmed into her cell for years and that she knows it is Missy’s number.

Irritated as hell I ask her for the number she dialed. It was not my number. I told her I thought the lines must have been crossed somehow and asked if she had another number for Missy. I called my cell from my home phone and the number that showed up was foreign. I realized that my home number was no longer my own. Well, great! Now where are my calls landing?

I called the phone company and was informed that it would be fixed 8 days later! WTF? I just upset, but not nearly as upset as I was about to get. Just then I got a collect call from the prison from a boy named Lawrence. I obviously refused it. Then another collect call request came from the prison from a boy named Pee Wee. OMG. I was starting to lose it.

Missy called me personally — she had my phone number! ugh! I told her about the prison calls and she informed me that both her son and nephew are in prison. I find out that Missy actually lives in my neighborhood and her son was the one responsible for all the neighborhood breakins 6 months ago! OMFG! I live in a nice neighborhood in a good part of town and I am less than thrilled to have had verbal contact with this family of thugs.

The drama continued. Calls came in from Kiki and Shaniqua asking for Christy and Cookie (Missy’s nickname). All in all I received 73 calls that day, 8 of which were prison calls. Can you see my irritation now? So I did what every techy would do. I blasted the phone company on facebook and twitter, then I found the technical support site of the phone company and emailed them every ten minutes.

When those techniques failed to work I solicited my facebook friends to find someone who worked for that company. Low and behold IT WORKED! My lovely friend MV was able to get someone dispatched in just two days. Now, we still had to disconnect the phone for two days so the kids didn’t accidentally accept a call from jail, but it was finally fixed.

I Chaperoned My Son’s Field Trip – What Part of This Was a Good Idea?

So the flyer comes home, announcing the 4th grade field trip to Annapolis. The trip is so popular that they will draw names out of a hat to see who gets to chaperone. Seven adults accompany each class. I thought “what the heck” and put my name into the hat. To my surprise (or demise) my name was selected.

I was going to be prepared. Two hours on a school bus was going to be a long trip. I charged the ipod, my cell, my blackberry, my son’s MP3 player, etc. I downloaded a new audio book and a movie. I packed some snacks for the bus ride and took a regular book, just in case. Then the note arrived.

The note stated that the following items would NOT be permitted on the trip: ipods, CD players, video players, MP3 devices, cell phone, and snacks. WTF? Are you freaking kidding me? How in the hell am I expected to entertain 4th graders without technology? OMG. I shifted gears and packed books, magazines, etc.

God decided that on this day it would rain. Scratch that: POUR. I forgot to mention that umbrellas were on the NO list. After two hours of driving in the rain, sitting on the back of the bumpy bus (ready to hurl), and really having to pee, we arrived in Annapolis. We were supposed to have a 15 minute bathroom break, but we were late arriving for our guided tour.

We met our tour guide and began the tour, but the tortured looks on our faces, and the sea of children performing the “pee pee” dance, forced her to walk us into the Capital and allow us to relieve ourselves. The entire fourth grade (roughly 100+ kids), 4 teachers, 28 chaperones. Four female stalls, four male in each bathroom. You do the math. Our guide was less than thrilled with the delay.

We were finally ready and so we toured the Capital inside and out (“out” meant in the rain with no umbrellas). We toured the neighborhoods and the exterior of historic homes of the wealthy (in the rain). We toured the Naval Academy grounds and chapel (in the rain). And since our tour ran late (because we started late) we were unable to shop for souvenirs, which led to a unison of groans from the kids. We were also forced to wolf down our lunch in less than 20 minutes.

After yet another bathroom break we walked up to the water and boarded a boat. Keep in mind we are nice and squishy from the rain and we boarded a boat with open areas. Needless to say those who ventured into the open areas froze.

My son was cold and wanted hot chocolate from the snack bar on the boat. I went up to get some but they didn’t take credit cards. Who in the hell is going to carry cash while supervising a group of children? Can I say target for thieves? I couldn’t believe it.

Finally after the extremely boring boat tour and dance session on the deck of the boat, we arrived back to shore. At this point we had exactly 25 minutes to shop for souvenirs until the buses arrived. I took the two kids I was responsible for and we went in search of souvenirs. The ice cream parlor sidetracked them. I went in to order ice cream and was informed that they don’t take credit cards either! Are you kidding me? What the hell is the deal with Annapolis and not taking credit cards?

Fortunately, I remembered seeing a teller machine where we had eaten lunch. The kids and I ran over there, I extracted money, we ran back and bought the ice cream. (whew) Next door was a souvenir store, we bought some shocking gum (you pull a piece and it sends you a jolt), then we headed back to the buses.

Unfortunately, every other student had found the same souvenir store and purchased the same shock gum. So now 100 kids are running around trying to shock each other. The teachers were not so fond of this and they started confiscating the gum. I took my son’s gum and hid it in my purse so they teacher’s wouldn’t get it (I am SUCH a good role model). The buses came and we headed home.

Either my ass was tired from walking and being wet all day or the ride home was bumpier than the ride down. Whatever it was I felt beaten! Since most of the riders were finding it hard to stay awake I decided to pull out my ipod (ok, so I can’t follow directions either — REALLY good role model) and listen to my book.

The boy sitting behind calls the teacher back to tell her I had an ipod! He freaking ratted me out to the teacher? OMG. That is so uncool! What a jerk. I even let the little bastard play brickbreaker the whole way down (ok, so blackberries weren’t technically on the NO list so I thought I could get away with that one). He ratted me out! Can’t trust anyone, no matter how much you bribe them. What’s this world coming to?

So anyway, I have it all figured out for the next trip. I take along miniatures of alcohol in my purse. Vodka is good; it doesn’t smell. I chug a couple before I board the bus; that way I have a nice buzz before dealing with the brats (kids). You have to do the miniatures as shots; no mixing or you will have to pee really bad on the drive down.

Two more shots at the first bathroom break. That will get you through the tour in the rain. The next two shots will be at the bathroom break at lunch, which will also prepare you for the boat ride. Then two more shots right before the ride home so you sleep soundly.

I wouldn’t have minded the rain, the kids, the boring tour, or the boat with this formula. And I can’t believe my husband and I FOUGHT over which of us went on this trip. What the hell was I thinking? ugh. All I know is that HE gets the week at outdoor school — NOT ME.

 

The Dance Party on the Boat Ride